Jealousy
‘Jealousy is an ugly beast. Anyone who has ever experienced jealousy or been on the receiving end of it knows how threatening it is.’ – Matik (2002)
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is the feeling or showing of envious resentment towards another individual due to their achievements, perceived advantages or possessions (Soanes and Stevenson, 2005)
Jealousy may be an expression of some other, repressed emotion such as insecurity, fear of rejection or abandonment, feeling inadequate or simply feeling left out. It can also be an expression of territoriality or competitiveness (Easton and Hardy, 2009).
Pennell Rock (1983) describes jealousy as being ‘the eruption of attachment’. By this he means the explosive nature of the sudden rush of emotions an individual feels when confronted with a situation that is seemingly beyond ones control, and that is potentially threatening to that individual’s Ego (the area of an individual’s mind that deals with the organization of reality, and one’s sense of self).
Benson (2008) too describes jealousy as a perceived ‘invincible monster’ of an emotion. He says that jealousy is primarily rooted in fear; specifically fear of losing one’s partner. He discusses the way in which some people with weak self-images sometimes ‘attach’ their own sense of identity to their primary partner, and so one can only imagine what the idea of loosing that partner can cause this individual to feel.
This suggests that in order to ‘remove’ the feeling of jealousy, one must first eradicate the low self esteem or self image that causes an individual to project their own self identity upon their primary partner.
What affect does it have upon individuals?
Within the context of a polyamorous relationship jealousy causes an individual to feel envious of another. This feeling can take the form of rage, resentment, hurt, betrayal and self loathing (Easton and Hardy, 2009). Jealousy is described in the context of a polyamorous relationship by Easton and Hardy (2009) as an ‘umbrella word’ that covers a plethora of negative emotions we may feel ‘when our partner makes a sexual connection with someone else’. Jealousy has been blamed for a wide range of human actions ranging from bursting into tears right the way through to murder. The way you act whilst being “influenced” by jealousy can push loved ones away and cause tremendous emotional damage to yourself and the others involved in the relationship (Matik, 2002).
What affect does it have upon relationship(s)?
Jealousy can have a tremendously destructive affect upon a person’s relationships. As previously mentioned by Matik (2002) jealousy can drive those around you away, and is cited countless times as the reason for crimes such as assault, battery and murder. On these occasions these crimes are labeled ‘crimes of passion’ by the law courts; examples of these types of crimes committed due to a sudden burst of jealousy can be traced back as far as humanity has existed.
This is the negative side of jealousy. It is indeed a strong emotion and will be felt by all of us to a greater or lesser extent throughout our lives. However, jealousy is just that, an emotion. It is a way for an individual’s body to tell that person that there is something amiss within their lives: maybe they are indeed feeling insecure and unloved, this could manifest as feeling jealous towards their partner’s new lover (Easton and Hardy, 2008). They could be feeling angered by a perceived threat from the introduction of a new individual into their already existing relationship; in this case the manifestation of jealousy as anger suggests that there is a problem with the underlying stability of the already established relationship (Veaux, 2007).
Jealousy need not be seen as only a destructive element within a relationship, but also as a potentially constructive component of it (Pennell Rock, 1983). Jealousy allows one to spot weaknesses or insecurities within ones-self (and possibly ones partners too, although approaching this subject with them is best done extremely delicately) (Easton and Hardy, 2008).
How can one deal with jealousy?
Eastern and Hardy (2008) dedicate an entire chapter of The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures to the sole question of how to deal with Jealousy; as do Taormino (2008) and Matik (2002). Jealousy has dedicated sections in websites such as xeromag.com/fvpoly, polyamory.org, lovewithoutlimits.com and polyamorysociety.org. It is not a small or insignificant issue within the polyamory community.
From this we can see that far from claiming that it is a myth and doesn’t exist, or is a product of a ‘weak mind and social conditioning’ as some would have us believe (Easton and Hardy, 2008); jealousy is an everyday reality.
That being said there are ways one can deal with jealousy. Matik (2002) describes how she likes to channel her feelings of jealousy by keeping a journal, going out running and creating works of art. She describes the very real need for jealousy to be confronted and channeled into positive actions, rather than being allowed to ‘feaster and stew’. Jealousy is an emotion that grows larger and more powerful over time if not confronted, and it is this that Pennell Rock (1983) calls the ‘explosion’. He describes the nature of jealousy as being one of defense; jealousy, he says is a way in which we can defend our ‘ego’. In this way, Pennell Rock (1983), suggests, an individual can ‘work through’ their jealous feelings and ‘penetrate the core of their emotions’.
He likens jealousy to an onion: It is overwhelming, pungent and difficult to be near. You can’t ignore it, he says, and it is likely to make you cry. You cannot, however much you may wish to, deny that the onion is an important food source. You cannot blame and control an onion in order to disguise it as something else, it will merely confuse you and make the effects of the onion that much more painful. By doing this you are also denying the very existence of the onion. The only way to truly see the onion for what it is, as uncomfortable as it may make you feel in the short term, is to embrace all aspects of the onion, and recognize it as a key part of your life (Pennell Rock, 1983).
This analogy demonstrates a few key points to consider when confronting jealousy, whether it be your own or someone else’s. Jealousy is not an emotion that should be denied, controlled or “pushed under the rug”. It is something that is very real, and has the potential to be devastating if ignored or deliberately mislabeled. Neither is it something that should be ‘projected’ upon others, as this too mislabels it and masks its true identity.
Instead Pennell Rock (1983) suggests that jealousy should be seen for what it is; an uncomfortable, sometimes painful emotion, that is a signifier for the person who is experiencing the emotion, that something is making them uneasy, insecure or feel threatened.
How can one go about ‘accepting’ one’s own jealousy? Is it, in reality, even possible?
The idea of facing and embracing your own jealous feelings, may well, in the abstract, sound like a great idea; however, faced with the intense emotional realities involved with actually doing this one may easily falter (Easton and Hardy, 2008). Easton and Hardy (2008) describe a situation in which Easton first started to think about confronting her own jealousies. They describe how she felt ‘an almost intolerable sense if insecurity’, and so one can see that facing jealousy down is not an easy process.
It is, however, a vital process if one is committed to living a polyamorous lifestyle; as one will be placed in a situation where your primary partner forms a relationship with someone other than yourself. ‘If you cannot live with the idea of this’, Benson (2008) says ‘then maybe a polyamorous lifestyle is not best suited for you’.
Easton and Hardy (2008) assure the reader that if you can, imagine a scenario where you can find yourself accepting your primary partner with another person, and then it is possible to battle through your jealousy and find that happy ending. The main thing to remember is ‘to give yourself permission to learn’. They suggest that the individual allow themselves to make mistakes and to acknowledge that you have no choice if you wish to pursue this road. They say to reassure oneself that there is no graceful way in which to ‘unlearn’ jealousy, and that it is similar to learning how to skate:
‘you have to fall down and make a fool of yourself a few times before you become graceful as a swan.’ Easton and Hardy,. 2008. p115.
In this analogy the reader is presented with a clear and motivating image: that of an ungraceful and clumsy skater (not someone anyone would desire to be) making mistakes but still persevering, and eventually becoming someone who is as ‘graceful as a swan’ (an image that most would find highly appealing). By doing this Easton and Hardy (2008) have presented the reader a scenario in which it is not the jealousy (or in the case of the analogy the skating) that is in charge, but the person who is experiencing the jealousy (or the skater). In this way they ‘disempower’ the jealousy and place the sphere of control squarely in the hands of the individual who chooses to tackle their jealousy.
This is a lesson that can also be applied to anyone in any form of relationship (Taormino, 2009) as jealousy can be a destructive emotion. It is often, however, commonly accepted amongst monogamous couples as a “healthy” and “correct” emotion to feel when facing a scenario that could be construed as ‘dangerous to the status quo of the monogamous relationship’ (Easton and Hardy, 2008)
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