What Sort of Person is Polyamorous?

‘If you dream of freedom, if you dream of intimacy both hot and profound, if you dream of an abundance of friends and flirtation and affection, of following your desires and seeing where they take you, you’ve already taken the first step’ – Easton and Hardy (2009)

Who practices polyamory?  What sort of person would want to be polyamorous?  Isn’t polyamory just cheating?  Do you have to be bisexual to be polyamorous?  What’s wrong with monogamy? These are all questions found on the Frequently Asked Questions sections of many websites dedicated to polyamory, specifically polyamory.org.uk, polyamory.org, lovemore.com and xeromag.com/fvpoly.  These will also be the questions answered within this chapter as the author feels that they are some of the central blocks upon which to answer why some people are drawn to polyamory and others are not.

Who practices polyamory and why would they do so?

The quick answers to these questions are anyone and because they choose to (Matthesen, 2010).  However, for the purposes of this literature review this author will look deeper into these queries.

The choice to participate in a polyamorous relationship is not one that is going to be embraced by everyone (Taj Anapol, 2010) nor is it going to be right for everyone (Veaux, 2009).  Indeed even just the mention of opening up an existing relationship to the possibility of polyamory can ignite strong emotions in one or more of those involved within the existing relationship (Taj Anapol, 2010).

So what would make someone want to be polyamorous?  This question in and of itself makes a presumption; and that presumption is that polyamory is not a “natural” choice, that it is not “normal” for a person to be polyamorous.  This presumption can be found in the negative wording of the question: What would make a person want to be polyamorous?  This presumption is not true at all.  For some people the practice of polyamory is as intrinsic to them as the practice of monogamy is to others (Veaux, 2009 Benson, 2008); the problem is that due to our natural social conditioning the idea of engaging in any form of relationship other than monogamy is viewed as alien, unnatural or immoral (Taormino, 2009, Veaux, 2009, Benson, 2008, Easton and Hardy, 2009).

An individual would choose to engage in a polyamorous relationship if they agreed and were comfortable with the philosophical, practical and emotional realities of that lifestyle, just as one might choose to be monogamous because they agree with the philosophical, practical and emotional realities of that lifestyle (Veaux, 2009, Matthesen, 2010).  It is unclear as to whether polyamory, (and indeed monogamy) is an ‘innate’ orientation (Benson, 2008).  Certainly it seems that some individuals appear ‘wired’ to live either a polyamorous or monogamous lifestyle, whilst others appear to happily move between these two extremes as they see fit (Benson, 2008, Veaux, 2009, Matthesen, 2010).  Benson (2008) posits that some may be (following the analogy of homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual) ‘biamorous’; that is to say ‘be happy either in a monogamous or polyamorous loving relationship’.  This analogy assumes that homosexuality, bisexuality and heterosexuality are innate properties of human sexuality.

If Benson (2008) is correct in his view that an individual can be polyamorous by their very nature and not simply choose to live that lifestyle (and he explicitly states that it is only his opinion and that he has only come across anecdotal evidence – formed from life experience and speaking with others in the polyamorous community – for this viewpoint) then where does the idea of choice and consent come into play?  Is there any room for ‘choice’ if polyamory/biamory/monogamy is innate?  These are questions that require further study, and cannot be adequately answered here; however, this author does believe that the idea of choice and the innate orientation of polyamory are not necessarily mutually exclusive concepts, given what the literature has to say about the subject.

Next Chapter