Choice and fidelity within a polyamorous relationship.

‘Non-monogamous relationships are built not on vows of exclusivity but on the agreements people make and honor; therefore, fidelity is an essential part of non-monogamy.’ – Taormino, (2008)

By building upon the foundation of ‘ethical choice’ laid down by Easton and Hardy (2009) in The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures, 2nd Eds. One can infer that there are two stages of “choice” an individual will go through when entering into a polyamorous relationship.  Firstly the choice to engage in that relationship – this is dealt with in extreme detail in chapter six of the aforementioned book: ‘Chapter Six, Infinite Possibilities’ in which all styles of human relations are discussed – and secondly the choice as to whether or not to be honest, ethical and open once you are an active participant within this relationship.  This is covered extensively in ‘Chapter Eight: Slut Skills’ and ‘Chapter Nine: Boundaries’.

It is upon the second half of the two stages of choice that this author would like to concentrate upon, as in the previous chapter the idea that polyamory is an innate “orientation” has been posited, and tentatively agreed upon as a valid possibility to explain some individuals draw towards polyamory.  It is with this assumption in place that the following argument – that choice does still play a significant role in a polyamorous relationship – will be made.

How you behave once you are in a polyamorous relationship can only ever be your own responsibility (Matik, 2002).  Indeed Matik (2002) very succinctly states that a polyamorous relationship cannot ‘function at all without all parties involved making a commitment to honesty, communication, patience and hard work.’  The idea that ‘all parties involved’ make this ‘commitment’ suggests that each individual chooses whether or not to agree to the terms of the relationship, and whether or not to be faithful to this agreement.  It is this freedom of choice then, that this author believes is the one that all individuals can make, whether or not they are monogamous, polyamorous or indeed asexual.  The choice to maintain honesty, trust and fidelity is crucial to maintaining any form of relationship (Easton and Hardy, 2009).

Benson (2008) argues that this choice is not merely a formality, but is a necessity due to the very character of a polyamorous relationship.  Whilst it is true that the only person you can be responsible for is yourself (Benson, 2008, Easton and Hardy, 2009), an individual in a polyamorous relationship is responsible to all the others within the relationship, however many individuals that may be (Easton and Hardy, 2009, Matik, 2002).  They must, Benson (2008) argues, be faithful to the agreements made and boundaries that have been put in place at the commencement of the relationship.  If any person feels that they can no longer agree to or feel comfortable with these arrangements then they must negotiate a change with all parties involved.  This is in order to keep the integrity of the relationship intact and open and honest communication in place (Benson, 2008, Taormino, 2008, Matik, 2002).

The idea of fidelity within a polyamorous relationship may sound strange (Taormino, 2008) as traditionally the concept of fidelity within a relationship is related to the notion of ‘spouses promising to be faithful to each other and to forsake all others’ (Taormino, 2008).  The origin of the word fidelity is cited in the Oxford English Dictionary of 2005 as being from the ‘Old French fidelite’ or the ‘Latin fidelitas, from fidelis’ which means faithful.  This definition of fidelity is echoed by Taormino (2008) when she describes fidelity, in the context of polyamory, as ‘believing strongly in your love and in your relationship, and keeping your promises’.

It seems that, as in a monogamous relationship, one of the greatest mistakes a person can make in a polyamorous relationship is to break a promise or to not be honest.  Indeed, in her article ‘How to F*** Up [in a polyamorous or open relationship]’ Matthesen (2010) writes:

‘1. Lie.  This is basic and effective.’

This demonstrates the weight and value that is placed upon truth within a polyamorous relationship.  Matthesen (2010) goes onto re-enforce this by saying in her list of 9 ways to F*** Up a polyamorous relationship:

‘9.  For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment.’ Matthesen,. 2010. http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq-supplement/

This rather tongue-in-cheek summary of how a person can break apart a polyamorous relationship places the emphasis of the argument around fidelity.  The notion of honesty to ones partner is stressed by pointing out that a person can break a deal in more ways than physical cheating.  In the example given above being ‘technically faithful’ is not enough to ensure complete fidelity and avoid feelings of guilt, anger, shame and resentment, as one can also ‘break the spirit of whatever arrangement you have’.

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