What is Polyamory?

‘Alternative relationships can be filled with playful excitement, but it is not a game and people are not toys.’ – Morning Glory Zell.

Polyamory has been described in many different ways by many different individuals and the one thing that all the texts agree upon is that there is no one ‘true’ definition of the term (Easton and Hardy, 2009); that there is no one true way to be ‘a polyamorist’ (Benson, 2008).  However, there are similarities amongst the definitions given.  The simplest definition being that of ‘loving more than one’ (Matthesen, 2010), which, giving its lack of any restrictive terminology with regards to gender, race, sexuality, age or even species makes this the most inclusive and at the same time vague definition this author has found for the term polyamory.  Matthesen (2010) does, however, go on to clarify this definition by saying ‘this love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved’.  This clarification does not put in place any of the above restrictions with regards to gender, race or creed; it does, however, place the limitation of being able to agree to the relationship.  This, therefore, rules out anyone or any being that cannot give their consent to take part in a polyamorous relationship; effectively preventing any ‘underage’ individual (this term is being used strictly in the sense of the specific definition given by the country of residence of the individuals involved), and any non-human individual from being able to participate in a polyamorous relationship.

Other definitions of polyamory include ‘ethical non-monogamy’ (Bennett, 2009), ‘consensual, responsible non-monogamy’ (Taormino, 2008), ‘the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved’ (Soanes and Stevenson, eds., 2005) ‘the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously’ (What is Polyamory? (Anon., 2010))[1] and the highly specific and eloquent description given by Benson (2008):

‘The practice or theory of having emotionally intimate relationships with more than one person simultaneously, with sex as a permissible expression of the caring feelings, openly and honestly keeping one’s primary partner or partners (or dating partners) informed of the existence of the other intimate involvements’ (Benson,. 2008. p1.)

These varying definitions do have common themes running throughout them.  The inclusion of term/s such as ‘ethical’, ‘consensual, responsible’ and ‘openly and honestly’ suggest that there is a philosophical aspect to polyamorous life.  The inclusion of the word ‘consent’ or any derivation upon that theme – ‘ethical’, ‘open’, ‘honest’ and ‘informed’ – also implies that the individuals involved are actively choosing to take part in this lifestyle; that they have consciously thought about the implications of living in a polyamorous way, and have knowingly chosen to live like that.  And finally, the idea of love is present, if not explicitly then implicitly in nearly all the definitions above.  The use of the terms ‘non-monogamy’ and ‘relationship’ implies that there is a bond between the individuals that is alike, but not the same as a monogamous relationship.  Often, but not always, two individuals engage in a monogamous relationship when they are in love with each other (Taormino, 2008).  This then, suggests that the individuals who are choosing to engage in a non-monogamous relationship love those other individuals involved in some way (Easton and Hardy, 2009).  This is not a necessity, as it is not a necessity within a monogamous relationship for the individuals to love each other, but it does suggest a bond of some form has evolved between those participating in the relationship.  These ideas will be explored further during later chapters of this literature review.

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[1] The Polyamory Society: www.polyamorysociety.org